“I have always been shut down by my parents for my ideas or even the smallest of my wishes—be it my career choice or simply going out with my friends. As a result, I developed a habit of not opening up at all. This is something I carry into all my relationships. The bond I have always craved from them makes me emotionally weak in all aspects of my life,” shares Afra Ibnat, a Viqarunnisa Noon School and College graduate, when asked whether her parents are her “go-to” people.
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The Lasting Impact of Authoritarian Parenting
Similarly, Raisa Shams, a high school graduate currently preparing for university, explains, “Since I was not allowed to socialise much in childhood, I have become very socially awkward. The constant anxiety makes it extremely difficult for me to connect with people in real life. Even basic interactions, such as maintaining relationships with classmates or co-workers, are a struggle.”
The Characteristics of Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parenting is a style that insists on unquestionable obedience from children, often enforced through psychological tools such as shaming, threats, or mental and physical punishment. Parents who adopt this approach, knowingly or unknowingly, tend to be highly unresponsive and offer constant negative feedback to their children’s actions.
A fundamental tool of authoritarian parenting is fear—fear of harsh punishment, reproach, or disappointing one’s parents. This cold and unresponsive behaviour isolates the child, leading them to view their parents more as figures of authority rather than as sources of support and guidance.
The Psychological Toll on Children
“I do not try to be emotionally close to them anymore,” comments Raisa Zaman. “I shut them off a long time ago, but it is hard. I feel like we are biologically wired to crave our parents’ love and affection. I have mentally disowned my parents to some extent. I no longer seek their approval.”
Many children raised in authoritarian households struggle with an obsessive need for control and an intense fear of failure.
“I always feel the need to have everything in my life under control so that I do not fail. Any unplanned event makes me panic badly. It has made me an over-thinker, constantly afraid of making mistakes,” adds Afra.
Such individuals often find it difficult to maintain personal relationships due to issues like fear of attachment, emotional desperation, and trust concerns.
“The affection and attention I am supposed to receive from my parents, I end up seeking in other relationships. Unfortunately, my expectations from others often lead to disappointment, and I end up losing those relationships,” Afra continues. “I realise they are not obligated to provide the affection my parents withhold, but it is hard for me to accept.”
The Link Between Authoritarian Parenting and Mental Health
In extreme cases, authoritarian parenting can result in severe psychological distress. “I have observed that I probably associate abuse with love. I struggle to say ‘no’ and enforce boundaries. Since I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, I end up in abusive relationships and stay in them regardless of how harmful they become,” Raisa reveals.
Clinical psychologist Dr Sharmin Haque from Square Hospital notes that authoritarian parenting can push children towards acute depression and other mental disorders.
“I have encountered many cases where children raised by authoritarian parents consider their lives meaningless. As they approach the ages of 16 or 17, the symptoms often develop into borderline personality disorder,” she explains. “The suppressed anger from constant negative feedback, harsh discipline, and dominant behaviour from parents may also lead to severe emotional outbursts.”
Authoritarian vs. Authoritative Parenting: The Healthier Alternative
Unlike authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting fosters warmth, sensitivity, and a balance between discipline and freedom. This approach helps children develop a sense of self-worth and independence while maintaining healthy relationships with their parents and the outside world.
Dr Haque elaborates, “Authoritative parents nurture their children with love and structure. They instil discipline without fear, helping children build confidence, resilience, and the ability to cope with real-world challenges.”
The Need for Parental Reflection
It is crucial for parents to recognise the long-term effects of their parenting style. While their intentions may be rooted in protection and discipline, excessive control and harshness can leave deep emotional scars.
As irrational as a child’s rebellious behaviour or emotional distress may seem, it is vital for parents to acknowledge the profound pain behind it. No child should have to struggle with anger and resentment towards those who are supposed to be their closest allies and strongest sources of support.